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Q: What do you do in such situation? how do you handle?
I understand that different nationalities people have different way of behavior, even boys & girls have different ways to understand & rethink the situation.
I would like to have view of people what do you think if you have such situation..?
A boy's feeling :Home addicted person, care a lot for a family. whenever u r in relation, u give ur totally importance to the person & keep less social life by going out, but keep in touch with friends by online messages. dont have Alcohols drinking, smoking plus vegetarian life style. love to care a pet.
Living in different country,feel often homesick so give fully attention and love to life partner. Want to have such person who can have deep understanding, thoughtful personality. Family where I grow up, we have such communication on everything and don't keep hiding feeling, parents give time to their children everyday and talk about life. but when myself in abroad it feels so lonely, even as man it's hard to control the loneliness when have such addiction to stay with family.
Another side, now when have girlfriend, always be close to her, both are nice to each other and caring. she's come from environment where she's local in the country and myself think of her as my everything in this country. love her such deep that she's so happy too. But the problems come up when daily communication or things we talk to each other in daily life. When she talk to her friends in local language,she is much talkative and expressing and fun, I like that moment of her and I try my best to say my feeling to her that if we can be such talkative and expressing. Both of us having better English so we even don't have such language gape. so she tells me about her incident with her friend, and if I ask more inside of story or expressing method with some fun, she loses temper often and speak out anything such as "I am controlling of her words, I am Crazy or psychopath, I should go to meet my friends and ask 'If I am doing right or wrong?' , I should consult psychiatric" .
But after an hour later or less time, she will be soft and generous to me and will be like nothing happened. and reason she will say that her parents teach her to be nice person and we both should respect and care each other, don't keep anger long time.
We live together everyday and our family knows about it. Whenever after some short period of such arguments,she will try to come back to me, I will forgive it and be nice to her, because as a man I should do it.I can't be rude to her and these all things happened because of me it's what I feel from her words, so I should be easy going. At another side, If I try to pursue or convince to forget the moment or express my feeling, it doesn't change her mood anything.
After that in such situations whenever happens, she just say me with much anger that Her head is going to blast, she can't breath, I am such person who keeps her in prison, and so on.. (until she becomes relax, we can't talk for some period of time) . She is asking me that I should go either consult Doctor or friends..!
Everyday in life, I never met heard or met a friend who think I am such kind of person. My mostly friends(including my gf) say I am very smart person. I am much humor person also, that's also people say.My elder friends and family members say I am well matured and responsible, even her country people also say the same.I often can let her smile or make her happy with fun. she is smart girl also.
But with such behavior and lake of understanding, I am here to ask for advice that what should I do? Is there I am making mistakes by asking her to express talk with some humor? Are we able to progress life time relation peacefully?
It is the first time for me to ask such question to public, after I got so depressed by her words today.
9 years 6 days ago in Relationships - China
OK, let's try to address this formidable wall of text.
1. Formatting is your friend. Use paragraphs to separate ideas.
2. It is difficult to have an intimate relationship with a woman AND a relationship that is centred around nosy, greedy, pushy, self-interested family members. I have a distinct preference for the former. Chinese tradition favours the latter. Problems can ensue.
3. It sounds like your girlfriend has stupid, babyish tantrums. If a girl can't maintain a reasonably consistent attitude towards your relationship (e.g. if her mood fluctuates between tantrums one day, and reconciliation based on apparent forgetfulness of said tantrums the next) she is not a long-term prospect.
4. It also sounds like you are emotionally retarded. You can't pressure someone to "be more fun" or "confide more easily". You don't get to dictate the mood or playfulness of your girlfriend when she communicates with you. You spaz. You can choose the tone and content of your words, and she will choose hers. The resulting dynamic is not something that you tell her beforehand.
"This will be a fun, light-hearted conversation. OK, ready? Tell me about deeply personal things."
Being a man means acting in a mature, reliable, competent way that earns trust and emotional engagement. If a woman trusts you, she will confide (and become more easy with emotional matters) naturally.
Spiderboenz:
In addition to Samsara's comments...
She regularly suggests that you need to see a therapist? That is messed up, why would you stay with someone who does that?
Sometimes, it is better to be alone than to be in a toxic relationship.
iWolf:
Kudos Ms Samsara, you read that "formidable wall of text". "You spaz"...ha ha ha. Upvote just for that line!
indeed_is_need:
Hi Samsara,
Thanks for your comment.
Actually I used paragraphs method to distinguish the topic but something went wrong and it didn't able to write as I wanted.
I could send you in pvt as pic if you would like to look in the format.
btw, she is smart girl with short temper often. she keeps good caring me and I do good care of her also. she doesn't say me everyday about visiting Dr. and everyday she is so happy to say or listen that I am smart, matured man. plus I care a lot for family than social life. she cooks for us mostly days and I do help with clean up and taking care of our dog.
Generally we don't get fight but things get totally out of control whenever we have communication in some ways. she accept the distance that between (almost all)families in china, they don't generally talk everything, parents don't have time to know or talk about social life with children, and often argu front of children so minds get used to such life. Another side, in my country side we don't have such things happen in daily life, talk mostly everything in family with parents and share daily life.
so when we have talk about what's going on with family or visiting friend and fun/interesting topic, wht she does is just say header of issue and if I ask that you could say me some better way to make communication in depth or fun so we can also have better relation and understanding of inside life, which can make us living better for future. but she loses her temper and start saying me that " Why should I care it? Why I don't let her just say what she wants? Am I mentally ill? I should go and consult Dr or talk to friends about this and ask if I am wrong or right? "
This things only happens when she loses her temper. but in such situations, she will still care for my health and so do I for her.
If you want to ask, what did I do when losing my temper ?
I never harm her. If I get angry or such behavior, I feel sad & keep quiet for sometime. she will try to make me happy or I will forgive & forget things happened between us after sometime.
I am open to say if anymore details you want to know and advice.
icnif77:
@iWolf: 'you all 'recently' joined posters',
butT......you're not the first orr..the only one
OK, let's try to address this formidable wall of text.
1. Formatting is your friend. Use paragraphs to separate ideas.
2. It is difficult to have an intimate relationship with a woman AND a relationship that is centred around nosy, greedy, pushy, self-interested family members. I have a distinct preference for the former. Chinese tradition favours the latter. Problems can ensue.
3. It sounds like your girlfriend has stupid, babyish tantrums. If a girl can't maintain a reasonably consistent attitude towards your relationship (e.g. if her mood fluctuates between tantrums one day, and reconciliation based on apparent forgetfulness of said tantrums the next) she is not a long-term prospect.
4. It also sounds like you are emotionally retarded. You can't pressure someone to "be more fun" or "confide more easily". You don't get to dictate the mood or playfulness of your girlfriend when she communicates with you. You spaz. You can choose the tone and content of your words, and she will choose hers. The resulting dynamic is not something that you tell her beforehand.
"This will be a fun, light-hearted conversation. OK, ready? Tell me about deeply personal things."
Being a man means acting in a mature, reliable, competent way that earns trust and emotional engagement. If a woman trusts you, she will confide (and become more easy with emotional matters) naturally.
Spiderboenz:
In addition to Samsara's comments...
She regularly suggests that you need to see a therapist? That is messed up, why would you stay with someone who does that?
Sometimes, it is better to be alone than to be in a toxic relationship.
iWolf:
Kudos Ms Samsara, you read that "formidable wall of text". "You spaz"...ha ha ha. Upvote just for that line!
indeed_is_need:
Hi Samsara,
Thanks for your comment.
Actually I used paragraphs method to distinguish the topic but something went wrong and it didn't able to write as I wanted.
I could send you in pvt as pic if you would like to look in the format.
btw, she is smart girl with short temper often. she keeps good caring me and I do good care of her also. she doesn't say me everyday about visiting Dr. and everyday she is so happy to say or listen that I am smart, matured man. plus I care a lot for family than social life. she cooks for us mostly days and I do help with clean up and taking care of our dog.
Generally we don't get fight but things get totally out of control whenever we have communication in some ways. she accept the distance that between (almost all)families in china, they don't generally talk everything, parents don't have time to know or talk about social life with children, and often argu front of children so minds get used to such life. Another side, in my country side we don't have such things happen in daily life, talk mostly everything in family with parents and share daily life.
so when we have talk about what's going on with family or visiting friend and fun/interesting topic, wht she does is just say header of issue and if I ask that you could say me some better way to make communication in depth or fun so we can also have better relation and understanding of inside life, which can make us living better for future. but she loses her temper and start saying me that " Why should I care it? Why I don't let her just say what she wants? Am I mentally ill? I should go and consult Dr or talk to friends about this and ask if I am wrong or right? "
This things only happens when she loses her temper. but in such situations, she will still care for my health and so do I for her.
If you want to ask, what did I do when losing my temper ?
I never harm her. If I get angry or such behavior, I feel sad & keep quiet for sometime. she will try to make me happy or I will forgive & forget things happened between us after sometime.
I am open to say if anymore details you want to know and advice.
icnif77:
@iWolf: 'you all 'recently' joined posters',
butT......you're not the first orr..the only one
Sounds to me like she is the one who needs to see a therapist with these mood swings she has. Good luck!
I've sort of had this before - the "not ok to have a problem now, but come back and be fine later - oh, and let's forget the melodrama from before...".
Very annoying!
Also, the bit about you're not allowed to enquire about her friends and all...not with the above girl, but with Chinese in general.
What to do about it??
Well, there's an obvious "find someone better suited to you" idea.... Which is probably the smartest - after all, what you really want is for her to be different - and wanting someone else to change is never a good idea! It's basically an ultimatum...
Of course, you could do the changing.. but, is it in your best interests? It sounds like the things you mentioned - openness in relationship, the ability to effectively communicate, not being considered 'crazy' - are all important things to you... are you willing to give them up for this girl? (personally, I wouldn't!!! But then, my standards are such that I'll be single for the rest of my life!)
indeed_is_need:
Thanks for your comment..
It's annoying & disturbing in mind when it happens often. But having such relationship and being responsible is also important.
Of course, I am not going to need to know each and everything. What I cared is to know important talk and better way of communication.
I can take things in both ways: 1) I care: so I ask for things in better way and understand her relationships,life,nature and the way we can improve our relation and add some laugh, fun in it.
2) I don't care: so in such way, I just listen what she says and then just let's see how we will live our life. But in such way, I could be in doubt that in future if she will be real part of my family in my country? will she have better communication with them? if I don't take such interest or don't give such importance when she just says me or don't say more about her family and friends?
Of course, we both are looking for life long relation . If I say her that I talked to my friends and they say, she should be better and communicative so she will say "It's my friends so supported me. or I said negative things about her only so she got blamed. Her friends supported her that your bf is wrong. He should change/consult Dr."
Can I show this posting ? Can I ask my ex what was her thinking when she was with me?
Girls are really complicated at one stage.
She sounds like my first wife back in Scotland.
Not Good.
My advice?
Don't laugh. Here goes....
Think of the Children.
When I was young, dumb and full of cum, I married a woman similar to what you describe. She was nuts. We had kids. Eventually I left.
She used the kids against me. Oh, I had to pay, her hatred of me put me into poverty for many years.
And our kids never had their dad.
Honestly, think of the kids. Get out now.
indeed_is_need:
Edited in comfortable way of reading..
---
Thanks for your reply.
I can understand your feeling, If this is how going to be happen, Ending is correct.
But I believe we can give better direction than this..
I cannot be arsed reading that. It makes my eyes sore. I got about 10 lines down and my eyes got blurry. Imagine this guy writing for teleprompters.
Look I pressed return and made a space. See how much easier it is to read?
Edit it buddy. Then I might answer it
Who would even try to read a wall of text that long?
ScotsAlan:
To be fair, it was probably done on a phone or a pad.
Must have taken hours.
I find I can only format properly here using firefox on a laptop.
indeed_is_need:
Edited in comfortable way of reading..
--
Actully I wrote in Notepad first all and then copied here, but it didn't work out.
So I tried to use another way to copy it today & it worked..
Vicky, Vickys' clone and Vickys' clones(')(?) twin sister walk into a bar...
Mr_Sausage:
The punchline is 100,000,000 words long and I cannot therefore be bothered to write such a answer. Fal la la!
it sounds like you are not a matched couple:
You sound too controlling (even though you have changed the question I see)
as other posters have said - you can't tell someone how to feel in any given situation.
If someone said to me "you should be happy when......" that would just p*** me off even more.
You sound like you are trying to justify emotional blackmail.
If someone told me that the only way i could keep in contact with friends was online and not go out, i would not like that either: "whenever u r in relation, u give ur totally importance to the person & keep less social life by going out, but keep in touch with friends by online messages"
If someone interrogated me about what my friends said to me - not cool. It shows a lack of trust which is never good in a relationship.
TBH, while many Chinese girls come across as drama queens who fly off the handle if you look at them wrong, you give the impression that you have isolated her from family and friends, and that she should be grateful for your 'mature and responsible care'.
It all sounds vaguely creepy.
it takes 2 people to make a relationship work.
You can not force someone to like you or behave as you want.
Look at yourself - without asking for validation from your family and friends - and ask what you could do to minimise these outbursts of drama you describe, without pandering to childish behaviour, because what you report her saying does not look like the ingredients of a match made in heaven.
more like an arrest waiting to happen.
Like Sorrel, I'm a little concerned by the idea that when you're in a relationship the person should be your all and messages are good enough to keep in touch with friends. Dude, friendships are normal! Give the girl some room to breathe and if she still has major outbursts, then you're probably safer letting her go.
