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Q: Will I lose my foreign bf if I don't sleep with him?

Hi,I am going crazy and need help.  I have a foreign bf who I have been dating for 4 months now.  I love him, but he gets unhappy when I tell him I won't sleep with him until we are married.  He is my first bf and I don't want to lose him.  But I only want to give myself to my husband.  Will he leave me?  What should I do?  My head is a mess.

8 years 1 week ago in  Relationships - China

 
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The problem with all sex surveys is that a certain percent of ALL men and women will NEVER have sex. A few more will only have sex with the people they marry. Every man with 100 partners by 22, has already made up for 100 male virgins. In other words...a few promiscuous pople throw these statistics out of wack.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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yes you will

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8 years 1 week ago
 
Posts: 36

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Honestly, i think you will lose him. If you lose him, don't be panic. This lost just tells you this guy is not the right one. Then you move on to find the one who shares the same value with you.
I'm not for the idea of keeping virginity until the marriage, while, if this is your current belief, stick on it, otherwise, you will feel regret or even more sad when you sleep him but break up later.
I say these words based on my own experience. Good luck.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Great question, and very relavent to so many people, I hope they find you on here!
Even for the less promiscuious of us foreigners it is difficult to believe or understand that some China-girls really are that traditional, and strongwilled. This is reinforced by the easy-ways of so many modern China-girls who just can't wait to sleep with you, either for money, most commonly, or forever, having the traditional-marriage fixation!
China is a land of contrasts, not much in the middle.
Having experienced a relationship with the traditional-type for over 4 years now, I can say that we understand each other much better now, thoroughly enjoy our time together, and I only occasionally believe this is a delusion on my part.
Western marriages are frequently based on an early sexual relationship, and and often last no longer than the courtship!
Best advice I have is to wait as long as you can, it takes more than 1 year to really see how things are going, after 2 years you begin to understand each other more deeply, and a lifetime to really be certain you did the right thing.
If you get it wrong, move on with the benefit of experience, and never regret the past!
Take care, and good luck!
Ian

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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One piece of serious advice, go on birth control if you are going to sleep with him. 

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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It seem my bf have same messy brain as me.  Last night he told me that he couldn't wait and that he didn't want to pressure me so he will break up with me.

I didn't know what to say or do.  I used all my strength not to cry until he left.  Then I cried all night.

I know it is the right thing.  I do.  But it still hurts a lot.  I hope he has a happy life.  He deserves it.  He really is a sweet guy.

Thank you everyone for your advice and questions.  It helped me think of many things.

Someone asked about our ages.  I don't know what it matters, especially now, but he is 26 and I am 20.  I am in university studying international trade.  He is a mechanical engineer who works on giant deisle engines.

I will miss him.  But I know letting go is the right thing to do.  Again, thank you all.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Crimo's got a nice point!

Anyway, many factors to consider and it's really a complicated situation. OK, many young couples are open to pre-marital sex. Still there are some women who would keep their virginity until they got married. Then of course, there are some men who would "promise a marriage" just to get in their girl's pants. I guess you are aware of all these stuff. Don't turn on the blindside of love just because you are totally in love with a person u know for just a few months. However, don't also be so conservative and naive, there are many way to please a man without even actually having sex.

You don't know how? Post another question, surely you will get interesting answers. Enjoy!

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Be brave girl, you feel hurt, but try not to let it bother you. It only hurts if you let it. There are always more men for you. Go out and have fun. You will feel better soon.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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the only question you should ask yourself is: "Do I really want to have sex with him or not?". Don't let anybody influence your decision.
If you DO, then go.You might like it or not (First times can be awkward but you can learn from each other and enjoy it...)
If you DON'T, then it means you are not ready yet. If you force yourself to do it, it will be like a "rape" for you and you will regret, plus you will hate your boyfriend for that.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Your boyfreind seems like a really nice person.you do not get many chances in life,men are made differently than women and you saying no to your boyfreind is like saying your not good enough for me,so have some thoughts in your heart about what he his going through also

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Lina90,  now that you're single do you want to go with me?. I think you can pick anyone here for your new boy friend. Go ahead, just ask anyone out.
 We're all friendly.wink

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Honesty is best policy in this case. Both should have a seriouls discussion in order to decide if the relationship is worth keeping or not.
It is fair that she wants to wait until marriage before giving up her virginity.  If her boyfriend wants to be with her, then he must respect that and not pressure her to have sex.

However, if the man is NOT willing to wait and chooses to not continue the relationship, then that too should be respected. Don't denigrate him for choosing to leave (as opposed to staying and trying to "wear her down").

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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very much possible

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Alright Lina, I'll give you some hope (of a type...).

My one and only gf in China wanted to wait until she was married... she has the same sort of ideas (as well as being 'scared' of sex... not really surprising in this country, given the indoctrination, stereotyping, and pressures). We were together for almost a year. I chose to respect her decision, and yes- hoped she would change her mind.. but, after a while, the idea of being the first was so loaded with meaning, that it would feel more like a burden and responsibility than anything joyful and meaningful... On 1 or 2 occasions, she (honestly) suggested we do it.. but I figured she may have regrets, and it was more a spur of the moment thing... so I declined it for her. (too many times she said it - I think just to piss me off as a 'joke'...).

Why did I stay with her for that long? Well, firstly, I wanted to see if she was 'the one' (she's not). Secondly, because I do actually love her - though not enough for marriage (or even long-term relationship stuff - I like my freedom!!!). And thirdly, I actually like the girl! I care for here... we make pretty ok friends.. in fact, she's the only ex that I still have contact with after the break up!

Yes, you can do things to please the guy, but trust me - sex can be a BIG thing if he really wants it... while other things can be 'nice', nothing quite beats that feeling (sexually speaking... jumping out of a plane at 12000 ft has it's own feelings that sex doesn't equal!)

I'm really sorry that societies have this whole 'sex is taboo' attitude...mostly because of a partriarchal heirarchy.. it sucks! And the hogwash tied up with 'marriage' being important.... Love, sure! But marriage.... qie! (you know, 'bastards' wouldnt be a problem in a matriarchal society - because it's pretty obvious who the mother is! It's only the 'need' to legitimise the father that we have this stigma attached to marriage and bastardy... my 2jiao worth!)

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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I'm not a psychic so it would be hard to determine the future results that could possibly occur if you were to not sleep with your bf! From your comments you say that he is unhappy which could mean he is unhappy with the relationship. You said it! enlightened

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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I agree with many of the answers on here.  If he has stayed with you for this long already, I think he has strong feelings for you and is truly committed.  If he were only interested in a good time, he could find one with much less hassle.  However, I don't agree that he will stay with you indefinitely without sex.  As another poster stated, if you really feel you must wait until you are married, you must tell this to him straight.  If he doesn't agree with your belief, you should find someone who does and allow him to find another who shares his values.  If you compromise your integrity for him, you will always regret it, regardless of the outcome of the current relationship.

I think saving yourself for marriage is a very romantic idea, but it is also a very risky idea.  If you don't find someone who is also waiting for marriage, then what was the point?  You will always wonder and feel envious of his past.  Furthermore, sexual compulsion is very natural and can be very strong.  I personally believe when partners wait for marriage, their sexual appetite will force them to rush into this monumental decision.  I think people may decide to get married quickly because they want to have sex! 

As has been said above, sex is a next step in many relationships.  Not only does it allow you to gauge your compatibility, but it also creates an amazing bond and intimacy.  Again, copying another's idea, I believe marriage is an incredibly important decision.  I would never buy a house without seeing each room, and marriage is much more permanent than real estate.  I need to know about every level of a relationship before I am willing to devote my entire life to it.

Ultimately, you must decide how strongly you feel about this conviction.  As for me, I greatly respect a woman who is waiting for marriage.  But I won't date her.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Again cultures collide, I see the same thing again and again, basically you must do what feels right for you. There is a point in every relationship that it must go forward and advance to a higher level.
if this guy tells you he will leave you if you don't sleep with him then he is not a good person at all, but in his culture sleeping with him only means that you care enough for him to take it to a higher level. he must care for you as his has stuck around for 4 months already with out sex, not that that is uncommon, it is only that sometime people have needs.
The fact is your virginity only matters to you and small men who cannot get over the fact that someone else had you first.
These are not the right people for you either. You must find a balance between what you feel comfotable with and your morals. The fact is I would never marry a virgin as I would never kow if we were sexually compatable, this is very important in a relationship no matter what your mother tells you. If there is no cpmpatiblity sexually then one or the other person might be missing something in the relationship as such they might go and find it some where else from some one else.
If you are mature and   sensable having sex with more then one person can help you find the right one, as it helps you understand who the wrong one is.
Without knowing who is wrong for you how can you ever find out who is right, many times the so called right one has many wrong habits. You must know this first or you could be unhappy forever.

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8 years 1 week ago

Come on thumbs down everything I say. rnrnPlease I like it thumbs down some more.

 
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sleeping with him should be a problem as in this state we are resting our body.

However if you are talking about having sex well you probably will loose him as we as men know that a women's body is the very best feeling in the world. If you want to wait then you should wait, the thing is you should wait for the person whom will wait until you are married.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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sleeping with him should be a problem as in this state we are resting our body.

However if you are talking about having sex well you probably will loose him as we as men know that a women's body is the very best feeling in the world. If you want to wait then you should wait, the thing is you should wait for the person whom will wait until you are married.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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In China Women and Men frequently know nothing (0.Innocent about dating and forming durable, lasting adult relationships. Forced marraiges are a relic of oppression against women from centuries ago. Women must shop for men they like and want in terms of the men's value system, height, weight, appearance, economic standing, education, religion, family attitudes, chauvinistic, demeaning or oppressive attitudes towards women, personality, maturiuty, communication skills, affection and lovemaking skills among many other variables. Dating involves trying on a relationship for these and other factors you want in a deep relationship and marriage. If you wait until marraige to check these out then you are subjecting yourself to barbaism. Should any man or woman in the modern world marry without seeing their partners smile, asking him questions or making love? YOu know that is silly. Naturally, this does not mean you should jump into bed on the first date unless you feel it's right. After several weeks or months, if you refuse to tell you partner your education or engage in foreplay then you are probably not serious and have ruled them out as a long term partner. Making love before marriage is the wise approach. What if he likes Bondage and you don't or what if you want cunnilingus and he wont or what if he is a selfish lover in bed and never tries to help you enjoy making love but rather focuses on himself only. Sex is a type of communication. If you have bad sex you probably will not be happy. Its not unusuual for couples to get better with sex fun with experience but if it is not working and you are unhappy then it's better to learn this before you marry. Don't be like so many of the parents of the last generation. Shop before yo buy. You know its best to try on clothes before you buy. Marriage requires similar diligence.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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So far, I've managed to refrain from this topic, but the reply by MyEnglishTeacher up there is misleading and bordering on asinine.  He is probably a youngster so I will give him a pass.  For him, I will give my ultimate primer on sex and marriagewink.

1.  It is absolutely not necessary to "try each other out" before marriage to insure a happy sex life.  This sort of thinking is a fallacy (and probably originated from men who wanted to get into young girls' panties), the reason being that sex, REAL sex, I mean making love as a loving commited couple sex has little to do with "trying out sex"  or any sex that takes place so early in a relationship.  The type of sex that happens between couples throughout marriage is a melding of the minds and heart. It transcends appearances and age and to some extent even technique.  There is no way to duplicate the experience of a couple who has been through thick and thin together and are stronger for it.  You cannot "try this out".

2.  You absolutely can tell if someone will be sexually incompatible with you without sleeping with them first.  Sex may be about tits and ass for young and immature boys, but  making love (something that is rarely discussed in this forum) is about nurtering, trust, unselfishness, kindness....and countless other character traits - all easy identified and distinguishable without removing a single strip of clothingsurprise (my god, I'm telling you all the secrets!)  You can actually tell what kind of lover a person is by observing their personality.  Notice I didn't say their skill level (skills are easily learned) but what kind of lover.   That is all you really need to know.  Everything else can be worked out with love and patience.

3.  Waiting for sex until marriage can be a beautiful thing.  If your man can wait for it, it tells you tons of more information than a "tryout" will.  It serves as a barometer to measure the quality of person you are dealing with.  Waiting patiently teaches endurance and thoughtfulness.  It helps him to see that you are more than just a body to use for pleasure.  He will not go blind or mad if he is abstinent for your sake, but he will build character and maturity and it will force him to think about the more important aspects of the relationship.  So much practical gain can be had when setting aside matters of the flesh for awhile and channeling your energies into matters of the heart.

I do not speak from the ignorance of those people who imply you should compromise your feelings, but from personal experience.  I waited 5 years for my wife (well, only 1 year as a couple) until we were married.  I did not regret it and our sex life was great.  Now that I'm in China, no girl has asked me to wait.  But if I met the right one, I would gladly wait because I know that the real sex does not begin until we both are in complete unison.  This is reason a man like me can never go back to cheap one night sex.  It's like drinking fine wine and going back to moonshine.  Sex is between the legs.  Making love is between the ears.  There is no comparison.  

So the long answer is continue to wait.  Wait and try to forget this guy.  He just wasn't for you.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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First, I want to thank everyone for their replies.  Well, most everyone.  There are some really mean people here mixed in with the nice and helpful ones.

Calling me a troll?  Really?  My ex-boyfriend is a foreigner.  I wanted to know how to understand things from his point of view, so I asked other foreigners.  Is that so difficult to understand?

If you don't understand something about China, do you only ask foreigners?  Or do you actually ask a Chinese person for their point of view?

Like many Chinese, I actually lived in the US for several years.  I attended a boarding school on the east coast.  Most of the people I met were extremely nice and I made a lot of good friends there.

But, there were also ignorant people there who didn't like me just because I wasn't white or black or whatever color they were.  Or they made fun of me to my face when I couldn't say something in English as fluently as they could.

What I am trying to say is that people are people.  It doesn't really matter where they come from or where they say they come from.  What matters is their actions.  Actions show someones true intentions.

By calling someone a troll or an idiot or other nasty words, what does it say about you and your personality?  Even if the people deserve these words, saying them in such a way only pulls you down to their level.

Thank you for the advice and insight into foreign culture and mindsets.

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Will your foreign bf break up with you if you do not sleep with him?  If you do not sleep with him that would defeat his purpose in coming to China

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8 years 1 week ago
 
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Talk about it with him and make an agreement

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8 years 1 week ago

Hong Kong Web Hosting + Domain Name Registration Services = www.internetsolutions.hk - http://weibo.com/internetsolutions

 
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A: Going to HK would be the best bet I reckon, especially if you were loo
A:Going to HK would be the best bet I reckon, especially if you were looking for a church wedding. Chinese weddings are pretty grim IMO - you go to a barren govt dept with souless officials and navigate red tape so some guy can give you a red stamp and a marriage book. You get expensive pictures taken of you both posing in places you'd never go to in everyday life that is somehow supposed to represent your wedding, then a while later it's off to a restaurant where a game show host kind of guy makes sure it's as tacky as possible while the guests eat as fast as they can so they can leave as soon as they finish eating and gave you money. Hell, I'd go to Thailand or the Philippines and get married in Paradise.   -- Stiggs