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anonymous
Q: Did you get married in China? How was it.
So long story short...I do plan on marrying my GF before we eventually move back to my home country some day. In America I was never worried about getting married or having a wedding. After seeing some weddings in China though and see some of the cultural differences and expectations, I am now scared shitless to get married in China.
For those of you who got married in China....how was it? Did you have a big event ? Do you speak Chinese, if not did you hire a translator for the wedding? How about some of the cultural differences....did their parents expect you to buy a house or a car or any of the other things some Chinese families expect you to do before getting married?
My biggest concern is probably my GF's family..... most of her family is great and accepts me just fine. But I can't get a good read on her parents. Even though we are only dating I know my GF's mother has already made comments about why have I not bought an apartment in China. This makes me really nervous that when I ask for premission to get married she is the type of Chinese person who would expect me to buy a house first.....this is out of the question due to my finances so if you went through this problem how did you handle it?
Was it a pain getting married in China? Was it more stress than you would expect back home? Was it awesome? Did the Chinese family require certain things of you first or where they understanding of your different culture?
I'd love to hear some of the stories. Must be some good ones!
Buying and apartment in China. Don't stand for that. You are not asking for permission to become Chinese and live as Chinese citizens in China. They might want to get that straightened out first.
This is a real issue you may get used to. They just see you as what Chinese things (aka normal way everyone is) but what you are not. I mean you probably speak some foreign language only?
but the good thing - much like western weddings - you are a prop. You don't need to know anything. You just follow along as directed. At various points things will be done to humiliate you. Laugh at you. tease you as a bit of a joke thing like making you do some party prank and pointing and laughing. Or jumping on your back or making both of you.. i dunno.. get snowballs thrown at you.
Good luck.
AdamE:
So true... I was at a wedding recently.Lots of embarassing things the guy had to do. It was pretty fun to see. I guess same is true in America, it seemed more true at the Chiense wedding I went to though.
My husband and I Got married in Hong Kong and We had a small wedding there,just both of our parents attended,and We didn't have a wedding in mainland ,I have the same idea like you that weddings here are just kinda annoying.cause most of the time you can not enjoy that much but you would definitely gain some face,I guess it's not what we really want ,I know it's definitely not what I want and I'm Chinese. I am so glad that my parents are open minded and they didn't ask me anything about why We didn't have a wedding in mainland or will my husband buy a house here? but they did ask me,are you sure he's the right one for you to spend the rest of your life with? I said Yes.then they said,Just do it If you are ready.We would support you no matter what decisions you make.So I made all the decisions on my own.hahaha they do know that They couldn't control me.cause I won't listen to them,but listen to my heart.
We will have a wedding in Australia once we move back, I look forward to it.
Must be Interesting.lol
AdamE:
That's great you have parents/faimly that are so open. I've seen plenty of relationships fall apart due to parents/families.
I've had numerous Chinese people ask me what my faimly thinks about me dating a Chinese girl. I always find it a silly question because my family would never even think about race/culture/religion or anything like that, long as I'm happy they are happy.
maggiegirly:
it sucks ,I am sorry for them.
but again,marriage is such an important thing,we should definitely make the decision by ourself instead of our parents.what I usually tell my parents,they are open to give me suggestions,but take it or not,it's all up to me.
I found its a silly question too when people ask me what my family thinks about me marrying a Westerner.
I usually smile at them and say,I AM THE BOSS lol
It sounds like you have two questions really: what you need to do to get her folks on side before the wedding, and then how much work is it to organise a wedding here and to ensure it runs smoothly.
Well for the second question I can tell you that I got married here in Beijing and it was a great experience.
We held the reception/ceremony in a restaurant with about 50 people in total, really only her family, my folks who had come across for it and then a few close friends. We arranged a lot of it all ourselves,but the rest we used a wedding company to help organise. This kept the costs down, which was very important at the time, so it ended up costing less than 20k RMB - 5k of which was spent on hiring a stretch Limo... so financially it can be a lot cheaper to get married here 
As concerns the day of the wedding itself then yes, you should expect to get teased by all of her family, everyone in fact, and you will no doubt have to stand up in front of everyone and perform several embarrassing tasks with your wife. But it's all fun stuff, and all the jokes will be directed at both of you, not you on your own (or it was that way for me anyway). My Chinese was so-so at the time but all you need to do is memorise a couple of sentences and you're done. I certainly don't think you'll need a translator.
So all in all it felt pretty straightforward getting married here, certainly no additional hassle I don't think, and I believe we got a lot more for a lot less money. Holding the wedding here also went over really well with her family.
Before the wedding I was also subjected to the obligatory discussions about finance, making sure I know to look after my wife-to-be properly, and telling me I was expected to start a family immediately. Very traditional stuff. I've always taken the view that all this 'bullying' is really just the parents looking out for their kid, so all you really need to do is make them feel comfortable that you are able to support their daughter.
Personally I never agreed to provide anything like a house or money for my wife before our marriage - but then I never disagreed either. I just never directly answered their questions. I'd be intentionally ambiguous, often citing Cultural differences for my reasoning - and why not, I mean after all there are big differences in Culture, I can't be expected to accept all of them, just like Chinese people would not accept all of our nuances.
I'd also say things like 'that's a good idea I shall have to look into that' just to close a subject down. For property though the real 'get out of jail free card' for me was to say that I had been considering buying property here for a while but I wasn't sure how long we'd stay in China for after we were married, so didn't want to commit yet; plus house prices are higher than they should be and reporters are suggesting a correction in house prices is imminent.... but of course the price correction could end up taking 5 years to happen, if at all.
The most important thing for me though was that my wife just wanted to marry me. She wasn't interested in money or where we were going to live etc. She just wanted to be with me. If you are concerned that your GF (or her family) has some unrealistic expectations about what you are going to provide then I suggest you start trying to find out what they have in mind. If you find out now then you may have a chance to do something about it. If you find that your GF just wants to be with you then the house/money won't matter, and she'll tell her folks that she's gonna marry you anyway!
In the same way that you can't get a good read on them, your GFs folks probably can't get a good read on you either. I think mother-in-laws question about apartments was really just to find out whether you intend to stay in China for the long term or not. She'll use that as a gauge to see how interested you are in her daughter. I wouldn't take this (on its own) to mean your GFs folks expect you to provide an apartment or anything... but if you find out they do expect an apartment then remind them that the bride's family are supposed to provide the furnishings for the new place and a car too...
If I were you, and you are serious about marrying your GF, then I would do your best to get into your future Mother-in-law's good books if you can. Compliment her on her cooking, ask for recipes, help her wash up or do some odd jobs around their place when you are there. I did that and now my wife's Mum and I get on really well, which has made my family life here a lot easier.
You say you've seen some weddings in China. Did you actually go to a wedding party ? I find the whole thing rather dull. Some running around before the party, "buying" your bride etc, the party itself; a couple of speeches and when the food is done, people leave. (well, that is my experience in the weddings I have attended so far in China) Where is the drinking and dancing all night?
As soltino writes. Regarding things such as buying an apartment. You will never be Chinese, you coming family must know that their daughter is not marrying a Chinese. You should certainly be respectful to them and traditions, but buying property just doesn't have anything to do with marriage. Where does this tradition come from anyway, how many years has it been allowed to own property in China?
You need to be aware that you are not just marrying your GF, the whole family comes in the package. Maybe your future mother in law is concerned she will loose her daughter, if you have property in China, maybe she thinks you will come more often. Make sure she does not feel she will loose her daughter if you plan to more away from China.
Above sounds negative, don't read it that way, it's all part of the fun. If you feel you have the right girl go for it, but make sure that everyones expectations are at the same place.
In my opinion, when in China, generally the parents will ask for a apartment before marriage , no matter you are Chinese or foreigner
I am Chinese and if I get married with a city girl, definitely their family will ask for house before marriage.
I am lucky did not get married with a city girl, I just get married with a girl from countryside, no other requirements....
In my opinion, when in China, generally the parents will ask for a apartment before marriage , no matter you are Chinese or foreigner
I am Chinese and if I get married with a city girl, definitely their family will ask for house before marriage.
I am lucky did not get married with a city girl, I just get married with a girl from countryside, no other requirements....
In my opinion, when in China, generally the parents will ask for a apartment before marriage , no matter you are Chinese or foreigner
I am Chinese and if I get married with a city girl, definitely their family will ask for house before marriage.
I am lucky did not get married with a city girl, I just get married with a girl from countryside, no other requirements....
In my opinion, when in China, generally the parents will ask for a apartment before marriage , no matter you are Chinese or foreigner
I am Chinese and if I get married with a city girl, definitely their family will ask for house before marriage.
I am lucky did not get married with a city girl, I just get married with a girl from countryside, no other requirements....
Actually getting married in China is very unromantic and legalistic. You get married when you "register" your wedding.
The "party" " reception" "celebration" or"service",(depending on which you choose) can be quite different. ---- Just chill out and let every one else plan it for you. But giving away cigarettes to auntie or wearing a big red bow just flat out sucks! If you are from another country remember it is an international wedding not just a Chinese wedding. Don't let them put that crap on you. Add something in it from home.
A simple tea ceremony in an intimate setting with close family and friends is very oriental and beautiful experience..
I might do that next year...My GF is from DongBei, her parents are separated...her Mom aks nothing. Plan to marry in Bulgaria...Then just a small thing in her hometown. Her Mom will organize & pay it, then collect the money back. 
