I'm surprised they didn't include the word ladder in there. In psychology they said if you dream about anything with a ladder it means your thinking about sex. 

Yesterday we went to check out (what I was told was one of the best places in town) a restaurant to have our wedding dinner. Upon entering the hall I noticed that is was f'n filthy with stains and burn holes in the most of tableclothes as well as an absolutely disgustingly dirty red carpet underneath. I pointed this out and without blinking an eye, the guy offered this little nugget of delight,

"Don't worry about that, when you have the place full of people, you won't notice the dirt!"

I couldn't make this stuff up

A true story from the pages of the Manchester  Evening News . ..

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned
over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to
get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking
driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of
me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't
realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my
fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

I thought you were asking about farts?

An engaged woman, a married woman, and a mistress decide that one night they're going to wear S&M-style leather, stilettos, and a mask over their eyes, and see what happens with their partners.
When they meet a few days later, the engaged woman says, "Last night, when my boyfriend came home, I was wearing the leather, the stilettos, and the mask, he said, 'Wow...you're incredible. I love you,' and we made love all night long."
The mistress says, "Last night, when we met in his office, I was wearing leather, stilettos, a mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. He just grabbed me and we had wild sex all night."
The married woman says, "Last night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, and then got myself into the leather, the stilettos, and the mask. My husband walked in from work, grabbed a beer out of the refrigerator and the remote control and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?' "

I had a student told me he had stayed up all night, and memorised the capitals of every country on Earth. When I asked him the capital of Australia, he proudly replied "A"