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Posts: 106

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Q: what would you do if your friend whom you don't love give you a rose ?

got a friend gave me a rose on valentine's day,But we are just friends,which make me really awkard .

so what do you think i should do  without hurting him ? 

10 years 6 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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I see two ways to proceed:

 

1. The Chinese method

 

Give some vague, noncommittal answers, and ensure that all parties, including yourself, are confused as to what is happening. If he asks whether you are in love with him too, say "yes" (to begin with). This is because a) you don't want to hurt his feelings, and b) it's the opposite of the truth, making it the correct answer by default.

 

After this you will probably have to avoid him for weeks (maybe years), while making up ever more implausible stories about what your feelings are and why you can't interact with him. This will result in emotional drama, anger, confusion, embarrassment and considerable inconvenience. But hey, you didn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

2. The Western method

 

Tell him you're not interested in being his girlfriend.

 

sevenyan:

thank you so much ! Samsara.  i think the Chinese way might be better ,which is a good idea! western way, personally , it might be too much hurting ,i guess?

10 years 6 weeks ago
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Samsara:

Yes, that was exactly my point.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

so, the OP didn't understand that the Chinese method causes much more hurt feelings in the end, even after it was spelled out so excellently? that's what you get when you think in slogans, i guess...

10 years 6 weeks ago
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philbravery:

answer of the week

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Just say thank you, and add this bit in: This is a nice "friendship gift".. I would not hurt the heart of someone trying to be kind to me.

sevenyan:

Thank you ! the case was i was totally wordless. finally  i ended up saying ,dude,what are you doing here ?

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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I see two ways to proceed:

 

1. The Chinese method

 

Give some vague, noncommittal answers, and ensure that all parties, including yourself, are confused as to what is happening. If he asks whether you are in love with him too, say "yes" (to begin with). This is because a) you don't want to hurt his feelings, and b) it's the opposite of the truth, making it the correct answer by default.

 

After this you will probably have to avoid him for weeks (maybe years), while making up ever more implausible stories about what your feelings are and why you can't interact with him. This will result in emotional drama, anger, confusion, embarrassment and considerable inconvenience. But hey, you didn't want to hurt his feelings.

 

2. The Western method

 

Tell him you're not interested in being his girlfriend.

 

sevenyan:

thank you so much ! Samsara.  i think the Chinese way might be better ,which is a good idea! western way, personally , it might be too much hurting ,i guess?

10 years 6 weeks ago
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Samsara:

Yes, that was exactly my point.

10 years 6 weeks ago
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coineineagh:

so, the OP didn't understand that the Chinese method causes much more hurt feelings in the end, even after it was spelled out so excellently? that's what you get when you think in slogans, i guess...

10 years 6 weeks ago
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philbravery:

answer of the week

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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This is why Apple sell so many Ipad's surprise

ScotsAlan:

My first thought too. Get the Ipad first....wink

 

When in Rome laugh

10 years 5 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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this time last year a local guy i knew began moving in the 'i want you to be more than a friend' direction.

I anticipated that by countering with the 'you will never be more than a friend and i will never be your girl-friend' response as clearly and as often as i could, hoping to make it obvious as soon as possible where i was coming from: i also wanted to avoid any possible hurt

I said i didn't want to hurt him, but despite my clear and obvious responses that i was not interested, he then moved on to 'I want you to meet my family', followed up by his best friend telling me what a great guy he was.

 

I then refused all contact with him as he was annoying me.

It seems neither method is fool-proof

coineineagh:

A Japanese guy in karate class was having trouble with girls. He believed half the girls in the class were into him, but the girls' accounts were at best dislike and at worst complaints about harassment. His response was that the girls couldn't admit their feelings for him in public - but these were adult Dutch girls with no understanding of mianzi at all. I wonder if not-understanding-NO is something tied to culture, since the entire notion of a straight NO is inconcievable to some people. For your situation: I can imagine the guy thinking after hearing NO: "how dare that b**** be so rude to *me*. let me be benevolent by giving her a chance to make up for her obvious mistake! on to step 2: reccommendation from friends and meeting family..."

10 years 6 weeks ago
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JacobJohn:

...and you've done right, Sorrel. In doing as you did, it will make you feel better with yourself. Whether it's wrong or not. As long as you believe it's right, then that should be the way to do. Experience will come after it, learning from mistakes, should there be such issue too or confirm that you were right, should you be right. 

What it's the most important, and especially in China, is for you to avoid confusion. Confusion it's such a great tool used and abused in this Country and it works so efficiently on Western people. That's why many of us end up without understanding too much of the Chinese mentality. 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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sorrel:

anyone who knows me, knows that in such circumstances i don't bull-s***, as it is childish to treat someone like that

but it is frustrating that some guy's just don't understand that 'NO' means 'NO' 

I suspect it is cultural as many answers are indirect or vague

 

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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Ask him to buy you an IPad, IPhone, new car, and a house. Then tell him your mother forbids you from having relations with him because he is unworthy.

EZ4ME2B:

Ah yes, the Chinese way...

10 years 6 weeks ago
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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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People can be direct without being hurtful. You can say "thank you for the gift, I appreciate your friendship.  If you want more than friendship from me, I want to be honest with you and tell you that I am in a relationship with someone else that I love."

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10 years 6 weeks ago
 
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hahaha sounds like you have conflict with the chinese way of "solving" things.  Just hang out with more foreigners so you learn receiving a rose is not big deal, you won't hurt anyone by accepting the rose & even for saying whatever u wanna say. C'mon, cheers!! Wake up girl!

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10 years 5 weeks ago
 
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i think the OP unwittingly admitted that she doesn't care about hurting the guys feelings. if she did, then it would be obvious that she should say NO to avoid unnecessary misery (there is always some necessary misery). but there's one thing that the guy can offer her, and she's not willing to part with it: ATTENTION. the gratification of knowing (and other people knowing) she has an admirer. she plans to string him along with lies for as long as he's willing. it raises her "market price" when people can see she is on demand. she'd be doing an injustice to her family by not milking the situation for all it's worth. all under the pretence of "not" wanting to hurt his feelings. clever, but anyone with IQ over 100 wont let it happen to them twice. let's hope this guy is smart enough!

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Say thankyou, I am hungry and eat it.

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10 years 1 week ago
 
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Amazing , everyones an expert lol

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10 years 6 days ago
 
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