If you had turned up with a rich western boyfriend there would have been no arguements.

Can I ask you a personal question Vicky? You don't have to answer, because it's a very unfair question for me to ask.  Forgive me me asking it.  It's a wrong question.....

Do you feel your parents brought you up to hook a rich foreign husband? 

That sounds bad. I know. sorry.

The reason I ask is this.  A few years ago a neighbour gave my wife a photo of her daughter to my MIL and asked if I could find her a foreign husband.  I said no.

Amazingly, the family of the girl then decided to pool their money to rent an expensive apartment in downtown GZ and pay for her facial masks and clothes. This was an area where foreigners live.

Does this happen in China?

Your parents don't love you. At all. They love money, and other crap. They only care about what you can give them.

I hope you can find the foreign man you're looking for, and get out of China. When you do that, don't go back. Seriously, don't go back to China unless your husband wants to. Your husband will end up hating you if your parents are always hitting him up for money. He might even leave you.

Don't ask your husband for money for your family, ever. No matter what. The common scam is that an aunt or uncle is sick, they developed "糖尿病" by surprise, or "血压高的压力," and it's all bullshit; they're just trying to get you to pity them and come up with an excuse to give them money.

Do yourself a favor... get out of China. Find a nice foreign man, settle down, and get out of China. At least get away from your parents. Our marriage really took off when we got far away from her family. We get along great now, but I'm not going to forgive her disgusting, evil excuse for a brother.

When you get out of China, don't look back, or you might turn into a pillar of salt.

Oh my god, Strawberry, too much pressure on you. And you can tell your sister to buy her own clothes. When my husband's sister would ask for expensive things we would laugh. She wasn't working at the time. Now that she is , she understands she needs to take care of herself. 

To be honest I don't really believe that,never saw such "bad"parents. Did they mistreat you when you were a child? Or are you adopted? If you think they are really bad and you have nothing wrong then why not tell them if they still treat you unfairly you gonna leave them.you always need a talk or negotiation before you make a decision.

Seriously though. I would leave. I wouldn't go back next year. Fuck that.

Vicky, I hope you are reading this in Shanghai.  If not, why not?  Because I sure as hell can't understand why you would stay with your parasitic parents for more than 5 minutes.

They do not respect you, so you have to respect you.  Get out of there and don't go back.

They beat you? They don't deserve to you see you Vicky.

Well most of the children face this problem in China because sometime parents aren't that much educated and not aware of living expense in the city.in fact most of the parents either from village or county hardly been to any city like BJ, SH, Gz, Sz.so when u work in the these cities,they see u like bank. one thing I found that its difficult to deal with uneducated or poorly educated parents.
I think u better tell them about ur life in city and it's not ur responsibility to buy a gift for everyone.

Here's something you should read - and you'll see that you're hardly alone:

A Letter from an (Chinese) Elder Sister

From: http://www.hecaitou.net/?p=6152

By: Elder Sister: 08/15/2009

Translation: Roland Soong 2009

...

Early last year, my younger brother called me up and said that he wanted to build a house at the end of the year.  It will be built on the land where our family’s old house stood.  100 square meters, two stories high.  He estimated that it will cost 70,000 or 80,000 Yuan, so he wanted me to lend him 40,000 Yuan.  I have been working eight or nine years already.  I earned very low wages at first -- 900 Yuan a month, then 1,800 Yuan a month, rising to 7,000 Yuan a month in 2007.  The factory where I used to work provided me with room and board, so my living expenses were smaller.  I am living frugally in the city right now.  I spend frugally on food and other expenses, but my basic expenses including rent and utilities are 2,000 Yuan.  I also pay 1,050 Yuan into a retirement insurance fund.  So my annual net income is more than 25,000 Yuan.  Apart from the 70,000 Yuan in fixed deposits at the bank, I don’t have much money left. Personally, I have wanted to go overseas to study for more than a year but working so hard has left me too tired to study.

Before my younger brother asked me for a loan, my younger sister had already borrowed 18,000 Yuan from me.  He had previously given me a hint, so I was mentally prepared.  I did not want to lend him so much money, so I came up with an excuse and hung up the phone.  Besides, there is also the issue about his ability to repay me.  My younger brother never graduated from elementary school.  He is working as a security guard in Wuhan and earns less than 1,000 Yuan a month.  His wife graduated from junior high school.  She learned sewing and is working at a garment factory.  But since the factory orders are irregular, she does not work all the time.  If she is lucky, she can make 2,000 Yuan a month.  They have been married five or six years.  Their oldest daughter is being taken care of by our parents in the countryside.  My sister-in-law is pregnant again.  Since their wages were low to begin with, where are they going to find the money to repay my loan when they have two children?  My younger brother kept promising that “I will repay you for sure,” talk is cheap but action is hard.  Then my younger brother, my sister-in-law and my mother took turns to persuade me with sentimental and rational appeals.  They promised and they swore.  I could not resist any more and I had to agree.

At the end of last year, I paid the 13,000 Yuan in insurance premium.  I had to borrow money.  I made my younger sister pay me more than 10,000 Yuan back from the loan.  I even mustered the courage to ask my former boyfriend to lend me 5,000 Yuan.  That was how I came up with 40,000 Yuan for my younger brother.  I considered the fact that they have children back home and they have to earn a living in the city.  So I demanded that they repay only 30,000 Yuan with the other 10,000 Yuan being a gift from me as their elder sister.  The additional condition was that the 30,000 Yuan will have to be repaid within three years.  I thought that I was doing my utmost.

Last week I spoke to my younger sister by phone.  She mentioned that she also wants to build a house next year.  She does not have enough money so she wants to borrow 20,000 to 30,000 Yuan from me.  Suddenly I felt that the Tai Mountain had fallen on my head as I got a splitting headache!  I don’t even know where I was going to get the money for the November insurance premium, so where am I going to find the money to lend her?  But can I refuse to lend money to my younger sister?  What will my brother-in-law and his family relatives say to her?  “Your elder sister is willing to lend money to her brother, even as much as 40,000 Yuan, but she does not have 20,000 Yuan to lend to you?  Does your elder sister think that you mean anything to her?”  Although I am a thousand kilometers away, I can completely feel the awkwardness of the position of my younger sister.  The old family house of her in-laws has a big crack on one wall, so that it looks like it is ready to fall down anytime; the roof eaves are also loose, so that the house always leaks when it rains.  The house should really be rebuilt.  My brother-in-law works at a nearby company with no insurance, benefit, vacation or overtime pay.  He earns 700 or 800 Yuan a month.  They also have two children.  My younger sister has never worked.  So that was why they had not been able to save the money to rebuild, and they had to live in hazardous conditions up to now.

I thought about it.  If my younger brother could repay 5,000 Yuan back to me in the last half of the year and I could borrow some money from friends, I may be able to alleviate the financial crisis at the end of the year.  When my sister-in-law was trying to borrow money from me, she sang a good tune.  It has been more than six months now.  The house has been built, but she has changed her tune.  I called home and my mother took the call.  My sister-in-law has gone back to her family with the children.  My mother passed the message that they won’t be paying me back in the second half of the year.  This year, my sister-in-law is staying home to look after the children.  My brother makes only 900 Yuan a month, which is not even enough for expenses.  They had to count on their parents for food.  She is giving me the facts, but to whom should I be telling my "facts"?  If I told them that I can’t even collect my wages and my job is insecure, it would only increase their worries.  If I tell them and their lips are loose, I become the laughing stock among the neighbors: a university graduate who can’t even get paid!

I hate myself for being so useless!  Many of my colleagues are earning 7,000 Yuan, 8,000 Yuan or 10,000 Yuan a month.  Only I earn so little.  The fixed bank deposit account was put aside for the down payment on an apartment when I find a suitable mate.  But after many efforts, I still have nothing.  Fate has really played a cruel joke on me!  I have a tempestuous and rebellious younger brother in my family, so that I don’t like any young men.  I would rather have a mature and steady elder brother.  All the love letters and marriage proposals that I received came from young men or older men who are really children who have not been weaned from milk.  Perhaps the young men think that my arbitrary decisions look as if they represent decisiveness and strength, or else the older men can see the immaturity and prejudices that are cloaked by my strong exterior appearance.  Therefore, I was never lucky.

I have a mother who has no compunction about using the most vicious and hurtful language to insult and harangue her husband and her children.  Growing up in a poor and inharmonious rural family, I feel that my personality and mentality are both unhealthy.  I lack self-respect, I am vain, I am prejudiced and I never have peace of mind.  When I encounter complicated conflicts and contradictions, I don’t know how to adjust; I have a low emotional quotient so that I tend to go to extremes.  I know what my weaknesses are, but I cannot change myself.

In the past, I lived like a zombie for the sake of my school grades, to continue studying, to work, to hold my job and to pay my debts.  But today, I am still living for them.  When can I ever live for myself?  Although my younger brother did not deliberately intend to do so, I have become their Automatic Teller Machine.  In his and his wife’s minds, I am the elder sister.  I am the only intellectual who attended university.  It is my natural duty to provide for the "weaker" ones; if I don’t help them, then I am an ungrateful sinner.  One day, if I should ever be in trouble and need money urgently, they can ignore me without any obligation.  They may say that they will repay me, but who knows when?  If they refuse, can I possibly go to their house and start removing the roof tiles!

Ever since I graduated from university, I have not returned home during the Lunar New Year.  I seldom go home.  I tried to stay away from my home village, my parents and my siblings.  I thought that I could lessen their negative impact on me personally.  But they are after me like vultures after a human corpse, or bloodhounds chasing rabbits.  I am suffocating even in my sleep.  I wake up in the middle of the night with years of abuse ringing inside my ears.  I want to find a tree in the wilderness to hug and cry to; I want to ram my head against a granite rock; I want to find an old roof top where I can let everything be set free and be liberated!  Why should such an irresolute impoverished person like myself be tortured doubly by my family relationships and lack of money?  Did I owe them from my previous life?

Would you say that I should write down a will?  In case something happens, my parents don’t have to be like "the masses who don’t understand the truth."  If there is money left, they can bury me.  My retirement insurance can help them in their later years.

After writing all this in a haphazard fashion, I feel my mental burden has lightened up considerably.  I thank you, and I thank the "Hole-in-the-tree" column that you have set up (for people to express themselves).

Sorry for the long post; alas, no potato.

Here is a simple fact of life - parents are human.

And humans, as we all know, can be either good or bad (or, usually, somewhere in between).

While we're children (and have basically no-one else to truly and fairly compare them to), we see our parents as amazing wonderful people, who deserve our love, our respect, our admiration - even our obedience.

Most of us are conditioned to believe this for the rest of our lives.

Some of us are lucky enough to be able to see past those parents, and see the humans that they really are. To start to see the greed, the selfishness, the idiocy, the foolishness - sometimes even the cruelty or vanity.

So, Strawvicky - if you just met those people on the street, (or were the parents of someone else you just met) and they acted like that, what would you think of them? Are they the sort of person you would want as a friend? Someone you would give your respect to?

If you still have 'love' in your heart for them, but also a lot of anger, perhaps you should write them a letter, telling them exactly how you feel, and what that will mean (ie, not going to see them again, etc). If they're not worthy of your respect, then should they be worthy of your 'gifts' or your money??

If your parents treat you like a bank they don't deserve anything from you, the same for any friend of other relative considering that you are a walking wallet. I kicked every relatives of mine who were constantly asking for money, that includes my younger brother to who I don't talk anymore.

On the other hand the day you get married do not consider your husband as a walking wallet and don't try to take total control of his finances, most men don't like greedy women.

Again, this website is not for your personal diary, nor the place where you can practice your English...

parents in china treat their kids like an investment. an investment they can shout at, beat up and abuse if it doesn't bring in the expected profits.

if you want to break contact with someone, let them cheat you once. the first time the don't repay a loan, break something in your house, embarass you in front of important people, or betray your trust in ANY way, you have a valid justification. then you can say farewell, and need not feel bad about it.

heck, you can even give them a decent-size parting gift. say that you don't need family moochers occupying your thoughts, and hand them something expensive with the message "GOODBYE". they'll take the gift because they want it so badly, effectively accepting the fact that you are breaking contact with them.

any US citizen could sue me for plagiarism now, because the parting gift idea is ripped off of their system, with amended bills passing through congress.

your parents are awful, period. 

If I were you I would never even go home 

You are certainly not wrong and you don't deserve to be treated that way by your parents. From a typical western point of view, a lot of people in your situation would completely stop talking to their parents. I know lots of people who don't communicate at all with their parents for reasons that are not nearly as bad as those you shared in the op. I'm not suggesting that you do this - what you do completely depends on your own personal values and feelings towards your parents. 

From my perspective, parents should treat adult children as independent human beings who are free to pursue whatever they want in the world. The parents' love should be unconditional and adult children should be treated as equals. You owe nothing more to your parents than your love and appreciation for how they raised you (if they raised you well). The child-parent relationship is not a financial one - most parents I know wouldn't want a dime from their children and would want their children to enjoy their success. They also wouldn't give their children a dime after the children finished school except token amounts for Christams/birthday presents or wedding gifts.  It sounds like your parents don't want you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and simply want to take as much as they can for themselves - if you feel you owe it to them for whatever personal reasons then fine. But no, they have no inherent right to your earnings and any gifts given to them should be appreciated rather than expected. 

Go back to Shanghai before Spring day and tell them if they keep treating you like dirt you will put them in the cheapest nursing home in all of China if they continue to mistreat you. You don't have to give them anything in exchange for love. They are not worth your time.

Emotional blackmail, i suspect, is not uncommon in Chinese families.

Parents, particularly from poorer backgrounds, will probably have made HUGE sacrifices to educate and support their child/children through their entire educational life and expect 'payback' when the child begins to be successful financially.

Emotional blackmail does not begin all of a sudden, but its' focus might be on different family members at different times, depending on their perceived success in life.

Spring Festival is a problematic time when families return home from different parts of the country affording parents the opportunity to 'show-off' or 'gain face' with neighbours.

We all know that bling is a good way of showing off status and the failure to measure up and provide the expected goods (gifts of gold, money etc.) could result in loss of face locally.

One thing we can do is choose not to partake in any emotional blackmail at all: why go into a situation that you know will cause shouting, childishness and pain?

To break the cycle you need to be willing to accept whatever penalty they throw at you and still not change.  This will show them that with that particular emotional weapon they want to throw at you, you will not change.  This eliminates the power of that particular emotional weapon forever. 

Ah yes, the greatest weapon of the Chinese people is and will probably always be "the victim card" or creating some sort of measurable guilt. 

Not so much in the younger generation but the older generation use this method very seriously as it was their only card to play when in desperate situations. Now it is used all the time without logic or reason. 

You know better than foreigners that Chinese have a VERY hard time expressing their emotions and compassion. Most Chinese will never say they love their parents and vice-versa unless MAYBE they are on their death bed. So instead, they try to measure each other's love by buying expensive gifts, doing favors, going to dinners and visiting during the holidays. 

Your parents may actually secretly admire you for going off on your own and making it but at the same time... despise you because you no longer need their help like your sisters. You have shown your parents you no longer need them and for some parents... this can make them very angry. 

Parents like this can be very stubborn and if you say you don't want to see them again, they will get even angrier and tell you to never come back because you don't need them anyway. They will wait.... and wait... until that one day you ask them for help. Then they will smile and remind you how you should have listened to them and lecture you until they are satisfied. I think you have parents like this, so you can do one of two things... 

Tell them to smarten up and leave... and live your life but be prepared to possibly NEVER see them again. Or even... have to crawl back to them if you have problems in life

or 

Play their little game and try to get along with them. It is obvious they they think expensive gifts are an expression of love. So get them gifts like foreign item, tell them it is VERY expensive (even though it is not) but your parents will THINK it is and be happy. If you get them foreign coins, or currency... or just little things that appear valuable... you will win this little game. They are trying to manipulate you, so be smarter and manipulate them. Humans all play games with each other in some form.  

But it is up to you. 

i just realised china has a version of a "duty of care" law for children to their parents. they might end up suing you for neglect. you might have a look at what the options are for divorcing your family, just in case.

My little sister just complained that I bought my nephew not enough snacks to eat.Fuck her.They view me as a walking ATM machine.I always got the line saying that I make more money.
It's not my duty to buy my 3 years old nephew a lot of candies,icecreams,cakes,hot dogs.,etc.She is fucking insane.She often complain about me to not spend enough money on Dad,mom and nephew.She never has been independant in her 25 years old life,and she is being someone lecture me how to spend my money?Is that hilarous?I make more does not meyan I own to everyone.My parents are my duty,but not sisters and nephew.Should I spend lots of money on every nephew and nieces when my sisters have more kids?Hell no.
My life isn't easy,I invest my money on starting business,I pay rent,I pay everything for myself and I save for my dream as well.I am the only girl in my family deserve respect as an adult lady.Who are they going to judge?
Let them go neighboors to tell how I do not buy enough gifts.I do not care how they call me.
It is nothing proud to live and eat in parents house to avoid their living costs and spent some part of their avoided living fees on buying my parents and nephew gifts.
I am so hell sure they will buy less gifts than me if they ever live independantly.
and paying their own bills because I make more.
I am not dealing with their stupid money game.And I am not gonna give up my dreams to use my savings to kiss their ass.I am.already the worst sister and daughter in my family in their eyes.
Everytime when I came back to home,the most lines I heard are buy gifts.
I even have no interest to visit my relatives who is so obessed with playing the gifts and money game.They always pushed to ask me to find a bf after I told them I do not like this topics.I serious find no manners on them.I have been called an arrogant person who looks down on them because I don't like socialing with them.

Lots of the kids I see in the primary school have rotten teeth and black cavities laden all over their jaws when their mouths are open.

Strawberry, did your parents subsidize you to move to Shanghai?

This is like the Dickens story " Great Expectations"..... almost.

The moment when Pip disowns his family for being peasants, and the father figure is pleased as punch because his "son" is a gentleman.

Maybe your parents are actually smarter than you give them credit. Tough love, to get you go out there and be a "WINNER".

Every story has two sides. Have you frittered away their investment while telling them you were making millions?

And hey Vicky, this is lighthearted

I am sorry to see that your parents are so selfish strawberry.  What Hulk said must hurt but I really can't argue with him. You need to find a good loving BF who can give you more than he takes from you. Good luck.

your parents are selfish,I think you can teat your parents selfish too,things need balance,selfish people deserve selfish treat,they know better than you about this,,,