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Q: Here's my question,expecting your honest answer,thx!
I've been viewing Q&A here once in a while and saw many great answers/suggestions given to helpless people.
I'm very lost atm, pls help me!
I've been talking to this American guy since May 2013 (actually I added him on QQ randomly in 2012 to learn English,but he didnt talk to me back then),it started in a weird way...I broke up with my ex in April 2013,one day in May the American guy greeted me on QQ and asked how i was doing,i felt lonely during that period,so i told him the whole story about my ex.He started to talk to me every day since then and we are in a long-distance relationship now,we only met each other once in real life(he spent 1 month in China last year).I'll be 25 years old this year,my parents are worrying a lot about my marriage and they are trying to introduce some Chinese men to me.I don't know if the American guy is serious with me/if we have a future,when I tried to talk with him in an indirect way,he said I only wanted to blame him for us being in a long-distance relationship,but it's actually my fault because i agreed on his plan to try to join the marine firstly last year and told him i could wait before i turn to 30.Now,i'm also starting to worry about my future,i love him but i don't want to wait for so long time,he said if marriage is that important to me I could marry a rock/cat...
I agreed on his plan because it's his dream(his grandfather joined the army),i didn't really like that plan,but he would call me liar if i don't keep my promise to wait for him.Besides,my English is not good enough to communicate with him about many topics and i can feel i act like a child in front of him,he's fine with me being unreasonable sometimes though.
Since my English is not good,i'm also worried if things will work out even after we're married.
What do you guys think?
8 years 49 weeks ago in Relationships - China
You're thinking about marriage when you don't even really have a relationship? I mean, a long-distance relationship is when you start dating then have to move apart.
You have a strictly need-dependence relationship over the Internet.
I would suggest both of you take a "time out" and really consider what you have and what you could have if A, B, or C happens.
Marriage and a military career are not minor commitments and if you're being pressured by your family, and therefore transferring that pressure to him, I'm sorry but you're not mature enough to consider marrying anyone. Marriage should be a 50-50 partnership - not one person "completing the other" by investing 100%.
Get a grip on your own feelings/needs/wants/desire and make sure that your life (education, career, location, etc.) are what YOU want them to be before considering marriage or any other long-term commitments.
Elsababe:
I tried to take "time out" before,he would only think I want to break up with him.I'll try again!
I admit I'm not mature,but almost all the married cousins of mine were not mature before they were married,now they can build a nice home for their children,marriage and children will make people mature I guess.
Sometimes I do think the relationship we have is not real,but I don't know what to do and he always convinces me with his life plan...
Sinobear:
"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." You are not your cousins and the satisfaction that appears on the surface may not be indicative of personal happiness and a sense of fulfillment.
Again, concentrate on what YOU want out of life for YOURSELF. You're risking a lot on a gamble (the American) and the stakes are high. You need to find how YOU can make YOUR own life secure if everything goes down the toilet.
Elsababe:
I should think about what I want for myself seriouly...
Never thought about it before,seems like i wasted a lot of time,wasted my life...
Sinobear:
You haven't "wasted" your life, you just haven't thought enough about your personal needs and wants (dreams, desires, ambitions, security, etc.) You can avoid a big mistake - which is to bet that a single personal can solve everything that is currently missing from your life - that void will always be there if you don't take some personal responsibility for your own future (and the future of your children later on in life)..
You're thinking about marriage when you don't even really have a relationship? I mean, a long-distance relationship is when you start dating then have to move apart.
You have a strictly need-dependence relationship over the Internet.
I would suggest both of you take a "time out" and really consider what you have and what you could have if A, B, or C happens.
Marriage and a military career are not minor commitments and if you're being pressured by your family, and therefore transferring that pressure to him, I'm sorry but you're not mature enough to consider marrying anyone. Marriage should be a 50-50 partnership - not one person "completing the other" by investing 100%.
Get a grip on your own feelings/needs/wants/desire and make sure that your life (education, career, location, etc.) are what YOU want them to be before considering marriage or any other long-term commitments.
Elsababe:
I tried to take "time out" before,he would only think I want to break up with him.I'll try again!
I admit I'm not mature,but almost all the married cousins of mine were not mature before they were married,now they can build a nice home for their children,marriage and children will make people mature I guess.
Sometimes I do think the relationship we have is not real,but I don't know what to do and he always convinces me with his life plan...
Sinobear:
"Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans." You are not your cousins and the satisfaction that appears on the surface may not be indicative of personal happiness and a sense of fulfillment.
Again, concentrate on what YOU want out of life for YOURSELF. You're risking a lot on a gamble (the American) and the stakes are high. You need to find how YOU can make YOUR own life secure if everything goes down the toilet.
Elsababe:
I should think about what I want for myself seriouly...
Never thought about it before,seems like i wasted a lot of time,wasted my life...
Sinobear:
You haven't "wasted" your life, you just haven't thought enough about your personal needs and wants (dreams, desires, ambitions, security, etc.) You can avoid a big mistake - which is to bet that a single personal can solve everything that is currently missing from your life - that void will always be there if you don't take some personal responsibility for your own future (and the future of your children later on in life)..
Let's sum-up:
* You are making a huge commitment. 5 years of your life, at its prime time. You less than 30 only once.
* For what amount to gambling. One month casual visit is *VERY* different from living together, let alone know someone
* Deep inside you, you're not quite sure of your bet, in the first place
* It seems that "other married in a hurry with non of required maturity, ended-up fine" is a solid argument to you
It can work, and you might end-up happy, after quite a long difficult time. I made that kind of bet in the past : it ended-up badly (long story : you fall, it hurts, you get-up and keep walking. I'm fine, just a bit older and wiser.). I know others who were more lucky than me. You like risks, adventures, you are not afraid of failure, strong emotions, you prefer failure over bitter regrets ? You have one life, only one : will you play it safe or play fast ? You think goals are pointless, it's all about the journey ? Then, go on. Else, just marry a good-enough guy in your area, it will work out and it will be 0.01% of the troubles. A thing called "courage", which is often hard to distinguish from "foolishness". If you need to ask what to do, it's not good sign, that kind of gamble ask for nerves, personal will.
Elsababe:
He asked for my opinion before making that plan because he could also be an English teacher here. I'm the one that told him to go for his dream because I thought if we're destined to be together we can be together and get married anytime,but he can only join the marine at the certain ages.
Guess I'm just not strong enough,tending to find something to fight about with him every now and then to make him say something sweet to make me happy and secure.
My biggest problem is I don't know what I want for my life and I don't have my own life plans...
Family pressure. THEY think they are doing 'good'. Good is not pressing someone into a 50+ years long relationship, be that someone is 24, 28, 38, 48... If you're anxious to get marry yourself are you using it as an excuse to pressure him?
Don't become your own worst enemy by making a stupid mistake so many around you made --- marrying the wrong guy because of ignorance and self-imposed, or peer/culture imposed time pressure. You know all about face, being married doesn't mean living a happy life.
Take the time to find out if you and your present (or future) friend are a good match, on personality, views on life, hobbies, before you even call him a boyfriend. YOU, are responsible for YOUR life, NOT your parents, friends, boyfriend, husband....etc. Why? You are not wearing a diaper anymore.
You love this guy? Or you love the thought of loving someone?
I understand the stress Chinese women go through from their parents to get married. It is horrible... you can't think, move or eat without someone looking at you strange and saying how you should get married.
But it is your life and you should do what you want.
So just ask yourself.
What do you really want?
jetfire9000:
Not just what she wants ... But the likelihood of it coming true. This guy has joined the leathernecks, and they do some incredible brainwashing. I'm surprised nobody has considered how this guys mind will change from the training. Look at marine corps boot camp on YouTube if you can.
this guy has already married the marine corps, the OP has no hope for getting him back.
You have not wasted your life. Your life has barely begun.
You are an individual, not a clone.
If you want to be a traditional culture woman, marry a traditional culture guy.
If you want different, throw your culture to the 4 winds, open your mind. and seriously, keep your legs closed.
Elsababe:
I love him and I knew I had to wait almost a year to see him again!!!
Don't know what Wu Mao means,but can't mean good
Don't go there. Wish the fella all the best of luck and go about getting on with your life in the here and now.
And did you write this post yourself? If you did, well done you! Seems like your ability to write in English is very good.
Consider surrounding yourself in more English and you'll improve and improve.
And you're only 24. Trust me, you are young! There is no reason to push yourself into a relationship. Just get on with your life and see if you can learn some new things.
Elsababe:
Yeah,I wrote the posts on my own and thank you for the compliment.
He's still teaching me English everyday by telling jokes/ stories/,recommending movies/ tv shows/songs.I think we have communication problems because of language,but he says it's because I don't use logic and I don't want to learn.
Been learning Japanese and French,teacher is also him,it's like whenever I need help he's there,but he's so far away...every time I told him I feel lonely he would simply think that's because I want to have sex...He said even married couples have to be apart because of work or something else sometimes,I understand what he means,just can't help thinking about future,it really makes me feel insecure...
never be in a relationship with anyone because family/friends/society pressures you into one.
Be sure you are in a relationship for the right reasons: compatibility/empathy/respect/love, and only if it is right for you and the other person.
Likewise don't remain in a relationship if the other person is forcing/pressuring you to be 'with them.'
Have the courage to do what is right for you.
Find out who you are first - it sounds like you have no idea about yourself: maybe take up a sport, join a club whatever.
Develop your own identity by going out and meeting people: online is not a substitute for meeting real people.
Don't let other people live their lives through you: if your family and your bf really care about you, they will not pressure you so much.
learn about the real world and real life: don't keep yourself in a bubble of delusion.
learn how to deal with disappointment and rejection - they are both great character strengtheners.
and as some of the other guys said: learn to take responsibility for your life, mistakes and all.
good luck.
living together doesn't seem to be a priority for either of you at all. should you really be thinking about marriage right now?
the Chinese parents are pressuring for marriage, and they deserve to be lied to. tell them you already got married, then take your time to do what you really want.
