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Q: Why do chinese girls care so much about the health of their boyfriends?
Before living in a small town in the north of china, shenyang ,every time I dated a girl and told her that I had epilepsy she was very scared. One time one girl broke up with me because of this reason, I told her that epilepsy is not a bid deal, just take a pil every day. I felt so frustrated. Right now living in Beijing, I guess.everything is much better. Did you have any problem like this?
OMG you are epileptic? I won't touch you with a 10ft pole!
Its because they don't see you as a boyfriend...they see you as the potential father of their child.
And they all want what they consider to be a perfect child.
The child has to be perfect, otherwise they will have difficulty farming it out to relatives to look after.
I'm not sure a lot of people understand what epilepsy is, and how it can be treated (ie. no knowledge of modern methods). Breaking up, it could be the fear that your kids will have the same problem, it's a form of eugenics. I don't know how common it is. I remember a friend being forbidden by her parents to marry her boyfriend, because he had a cleft lip at birth : they though their kids will have a cleft lip, a big expense and loss of face. Not materialistic at all...
I guess what you need to do is point out that you underwent a medical examination to get your work permit (which presumably you did) and the condition is not serious enough as to be a concern in terms of employment. The girls probably understand very little about the condition and may consider it as a kind of disability. That would give rise to fear and risk.
frvioque:
Actually I have a normal life, I can drink, smoke, work without any symptom, and it's perfectly controlled. It's been many years without any symptom at al, lastly it's not a big deal.
If someone loves you, they'll care about you?
Oh wait, now I just read your post... yeah, Chinese people are conditioned to want the "perfect" person, and any kind of disability or defect is grounds for avoidance. Do yourself a favor, tell them straight up when you meet them. If they decide to stop talking to you, you'll likely avoid the breakup.
My disability is that I'm pretty much deaf. I experienced a tremendous amount of ridiculously-ignorant discrimination in China, but I didn't let it get me down. In the end, I ended up working as an English teacher at a school. Hey now! I can speak perfectly, and I understand grammar!
Many women in China, and their families, automatically assumed that I couldn't take care of myself, and that I'd be an unfit mate. Lol, I make $104k a year as an entry-level Software Engineer. This weeded out all the gold diggers, and I ended up with an absolute gem of a wife, and two lovely children (one is on the way!), and so far, our daughter has perfect hearing. Then again, my loss isn't genetic.
In China, disabled people are the outcasts of society. In general, nobody lets them do ANYTHING except sit there and beg. Their entire culture is hostile towards those with any kind of defect or disability. The women think you can't take care of them, and won't be able to gold-dig you. Do not try to argue with them or explain your profession or salary; you will avoid a lot of gold-diggers.
Once you get past that barrier, you'll find yourself a great woman. Think of it as a gold-digger barrier. Almost every woman uninterested in love will flee from you, while those who actually love you will stay.
Hulk:
I should add: if a woman starts talking about how "worried" she is about your "disability," and starts making a big deal out of it, just leave her and find someone else; there's a 99.9% chance she's a gold-digger. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
I'd agree with ScotsAlan, with some additions. In traditional, conservative culture, yeah, you will be a father of their child (dating for yourself isn't really done, or at least not encouraged. It's more of finding someone to help produce children, since traditional culture hasn't caught up to the fact that there are, like, a lot of Chinese people, and the thread of people dying out is pretty distant). Also, culture only values males in so much as they generate wealth (whether through selling their bodies through labor, or by having the privilege of being born into money, it doesn't matter). If you have a severe disease, then it hampers your ability to gain money, which will be spent on your wife, child, and parents (and yes, it will be spent on other people. That's not a choice).
Modern Chinese society is largely build on objectification. Women are sex objects. Men are wealth objects. Women are seen to exist to give birth to children, and take care of them. Men are seen to exist to produce and acquire wealth for their families. It's messed up, and a bad situation for all involved (rigid gender roles suck), but it is what it is. Best you can do is find someone who is willing to challenge the cultural norms.
Of course, this applies to the traditionalist Chinese far more than progressive Chinese. I have met women who value men as humans (no, really), and not as resources.
You should tell the girl in advance if you want to marry her in the future. Hiding it will cause you problems if you get married and your wife know about it.
There are some good girls like me out there who see good in people. Take heart. Keep looking. Wish you good luck.
Education about health and illness is incredibly crappy in China, and thanks to TCM there is even a lot of misinformation. If you tell anyone you have the slightest minor defect they will run away screaming. I am surprised people with myopia are not put to sleep in this country, or those with overbite, or a slightly runny nose.
Anyway, I have to go boil my hands so I don't catch epilepsy from this site.
As for what you should do. I think it is important that people around you know what epilepsy is, in case you have a seizure. What to do, what not to do. So any future Mrs. Frioque should know.
Scandinavian:
by the way. the first time I met my wifes parents, I did go to see a TCM doctor, you know, just to check. Naturally this was a check to see if I was fit for breeding.
People in China seem to avoid confrontation at any cost. She probably wanted to break up with you but did not have a good enough excuse, until you told her.
Eorthisio:
They try to avoid confrontation except with that lone laowai walking down the street when they are with their 10 friends, cowards.
I heard that country girls won't marry you if your parents are divorced or if one of then died of cancer. In case it runs in families
I think most people want to marry someone who is healthy because life is a long marathon.
Girls want security so ...
I thing they need to be confident of an income source for as long as possible. This is also why they won't marry a guy more than 10 years more than themselves - with very few exceptions.
